Sex and time distortion

From this meeting the text is available:

Holland, Amsterdam, June 1, 2003.
     
  > Anything you would like to speak, you are welcome.
  < Ja, I want to share that the experience of time has changed dramatically. A few weeks ago before the retreat, just somewhere in the world, I heard someone ask somebody else ‘how do you so spent your free time?’. And then my mind told me about me: I don’t spent it, I just wait till it’s over. And then the tamas story came. That is one line. And thursday night in Venwoude those two guys were playing music and at a point I let myself down in this couch and that was really for the first time since my childhood that I was totally at ease. As an image or so, it is as if – and there was always this, in satsang, like ‘time doesn’t exist’ and all this spiritual consepts, they are so confusing.
  > Yes.
  <

And once I asked in another satsang and then it was like ‘yeah, that is clock time’. And now I have an experience; nothing has changed, that is also a consept, but now: the days are as long as they were before. It is as if I was always, let’s say, upstream fighting myself through time. Or fighting myself the other way around. And now I am kind of sitting in this deep water [indicating with my fingers about 10 centimeters] and the time is just passing. And it is so different. And it is so the same. It’s fantastic.

And I have a want. And I can hide it in: ‘there is an ability that I want to improve’, but it’s just a want. My ability to see, there is nothing wrong with. My ability to be with emotions: effortless. And I just experience that this going into the body in a different way, because eh, what I said, I have a very high body awareness and so have most of us, we all can feel a fly walking on our hand. And yet all this nonsense is hidden here, somewhere in the body. And last week I discovered a kind of movement, it’s really something I can allow, of going into my body. For the first time ’emotional body’ makes sense. It is as if there is a connection screen up there, that you can kind of slide in. And, lets say, there are thousands of things in there that I could go look for. But, my want is to improve my ability to go there and stay there. It’s so easy to be out. And I still have the idea that, like last week, I go till here [the pelvis]. And my question is: what stops me from going to my toes? Are you willing to look into that with me?

Isaac just looks, then speaks:
  > For me the ‘what’ doesn’t engage my mind. I hear the request of you and I just be what you are speaking about.
  < Ja, and I can feel the difference.
  > Ja, and then it just happens, or whatever.
  < Ja, I notice. Some dutch guy that gives satsang once said something like: asking questions is nonsense, not asking questions is stupid. Having asked you the question is different.
  > Yeah, it’s like that.
  < From now on I make up a question when I want to be here and when you say ‘thank you’, that will be the sign for me to leave and nothing else.
  > That’s why I usually say: when you feel drawn to come, just come. Doesn’t need a reason or a question.
  < Like I said, I do scary things for fun. But is it okay to bring up one thing to look into?
  > Please.
  < The hell around sexual energy: I know the second that it started for me. And I have looked into that so often. And there must be something that I miss. I think I was 10 years old: I was having my second concussion and in that time they forced you to lay in bed for three weeks with the curtains closed. (Hyper active! Terrible time). At a point, laying in my bed, and I think this little tiny hands were around here, but I didn’t know what sexuality was, and I don’t think I had ever consciously an erection before that and also not at the moment that I’m speaking off. I was as innocent as if I was 2 1/2 years old. And then suddenly the whole cosmos started orgasming. And I was so shocked. It was even worse than the worst outburst of anger or fear or panic from my mother. And as such that was not the problem. But there nust have been a thought or a knowing ‘I’m responsible for this and I have to take care to hide it, and for ‘it’ never to happen again. That’s a great way to get addicted to masturbation, porn and …. I can tell you stories. But this is the beginning. Sigh. I have been looking into this yesterday, the last time: there the feeling of guilt came in, there the want to disappear, to sink in the floor came in, there the big controller was created. But how the f*ck did I get the idea that I was responsible? And here is something that I found out: last week you invited the whole group to check if you could feel the difference between what you are feeling and what they are feeling. And when I close my eyes there is just one field of sensations. I cann’t make any distinction. And for sure that is what happened there, but that is from the mind, I lived in an environment that was so tabood on sexuality.
  > Yes.
  < And {…. selfcensured….}, and I was so sensitive, ah, and there something, let’s say, acting out other peoples feelings -now I am in my mind, totally-
  > It’s okay. You noticed it. Just as you notice it, than in that moment you’re not in your mind anymore. As you were speaking, something in your system agitated and you found yourself in your mind.
  < How many people here are totally at ease with their sexuality?
    One person. [Out of at least 150]
  < Now I am aware of the movement ‘help’. And now it’s gone. It’s fantastic.
[long silence]
  < I just invited myself to be swinging with my seriousness.
  > What we can notice is that when we are truly here, there is no problem. You are just here. There is no wanting, there is no needing anything, you are here. So let’s just …. There is a way that our minds function that will throw our sexuality into a confusion. And it is mind driven, it’s not driven from our body. And it is an activity that we are used to from a young age. And like you said, involved in it is guilt and shame and a bunch of other mechanisms, that make it difficult to come thru. Because the moment there is wanting to hide or not feeling okay in it, then we have to distance ourselves from everybody: because we don’t want them to really see us. Because we don’t want to be really in those places ourselves. And as long as we cann’t be in those places ourselves, then guilt really suits us and shame and all that, because we can use them in a way to stay confused and to never rally enter. In a way we have trained our mind to be very busy with wanting, whether it takes the form of romance, sexuality or even perversion, anything whithin that range, it is basicly the same mechanism. It’s not that much different. But we have trained ourselves to think about it and then on to of it, giving ourselves a hard time about it. And so it feels like it is out of control. And it feels like it is …., even when we can see, and it is associated with pleasure, it’s like there is always the promise of ‘if I can figure it out, then I will have the pleasure of what it promises me’. But the actual experience of being in the confusion of it isn’t pleasurable. And even if you get really good in getting all the sex you ever wanted, at the outer edges of all the places that hou dared to go, it does not really satisfy. You have explored some of that and you know. And I have spoken to many people who have really explored it and I have not heard one person say it brought happiness. I have explored my share and I can say it’s an endless cycle, basicly. And it took a while to realize for myself that it actually was a way of hurting myself. That I couldn’t see. I could see that the layer of guilt was a hurt, but I couldn’t see that the actual wanting was a hurt.
  <

The actual wanting comes from hurt and it hurts itself.

  > The actual wanting comes from hurt and it hurts itself, that is clear seen.
  < Sigh.
  > Yeah, cause what happens in your mind is, there is this drive and the drive is confused and it has some pleasure promise in it, but the actual experience, even while it;s happening, is pain. And how you treat yourself in that pain and how you treat everybody in that pain is horrible. And there is anger and frustration and, you know, bunches of places that we stand in order to make it ok. But ther is just not a clear seeing that we are hurting ourselves. To try to suppress it or to try and go ‘it’s bad’ doesn’t work. Some of us have tried that. It has never worked, ever, anywhere, that I know of. So, it is not a question of suppression. It is just a question of really clearly seeing how it functions in you. And again, there is not that many places that we can ever talk about it. Because, if you try and bring it to conventional religion, you get given a bunch of ideas, which you put on top of your head. I mean, where can you really go with it? Either find people who want to explore with you and they are as confused as you, so the thing just keeps going round and round. It is very rare that you have an opportunity to take a look for yourself and actually look how it is functioning. So, you could see, wauw, its pain and it perpetuates the pain. That seeing, actually, starts another whole, I would call it revealing.There is the habit and the identity that goes with that habit. Like we have a sexual identity, an identity of ourselves sexually. Who we are, how we are.
  < How we should be.
  > What we think of ourselves and what we take from that identity: Oh, I’m not very good, I’m highly sexed, I’m neurotically sexed. We claim a certain identity from all of it: I’m very good at it, you know, whatever it is. There is a range. But there is a way that we take an identity from it, without even knowing it. And as this rtevealing starts to happen, that identity starts to crumble. And you are left kind of very nake d and not knowing a whole lot about something that has been a big issue for most of us. So youn could say it’s …. there is quite a big collapsing of structures that have actually hurt is. There is no model for where it is going or how it’s gonna look like. So, it does throw you into a free fall. And there is no promise in that free fall. You don’t know where it is taking …. All that you know is how you have been hurting yourself, you’ve had enough of. It is over once you can see clearly. And that starts to open up something fresh. But, again, I would say for most of us it is a proces. It starts with the seeing. And than you watch the movement to go in your mind again to those places. And the recognition of the painfullness of it. And the weeing of what is pushing it. So it is an exploration, a really incredible one and a beautifull one. But not from the idea of good and bad and right and wrong, but genuinely seeing what you love, what you love the most. And where you compromise that. To get. To have something. For most of us it is a huge structure within our consciousness and it will collapse, once there is a clear seeing. It takes so much energy and produces so much hurt and confusion in the system. So, what a gift to start exploring it. And to start exploring it without any consept about it, just the seeing, just the seeing.
  < What I saw this morning, is that this heavy energy …. I mean there are three of this energies and one it this fire energy. And what I saw is that it is not this tamas energy that was growing and growing and growing in me (just laying on the couch as a zombie), but it is a disbalance of this life energy, this fire energy, that is used up to keep this bunker alive. And then there is not enough left to just be. It’s probably crazy to hear, but that is how it was that I saw.
  > I can understand. So it is revealing in a good way.
Silence.
  < Now I wait for you to say thank you. So: thank you.
     
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