The love and perseverance to go deeper

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It took me three month to get a rather clear perspective about all that happened before during and after this meeting.

The night before one member of the sangha (I describe this rather vague) brought  something in the satsang. In front of the assembled so called ‘sangha’ of about 120 people, she spoke about a for her shocking discovery: there had been a rumor going on for almost a year and till that day nobody had spoken to her about this directly.

So the issue was trust/distrust. And the discovery had shaken her and had touched deep old stuff in her.

Then Isaac asked her if she could speak the content of the rumor.
She considered this for a while and then said that the rumor was that she and Isaac were having a sexual relationship.

Then of course you could feel that the ‘sangha’ was stirred again, and in a different way and about a different subject. A subject that was not the issue to begin with.
The issue was about trust/distrust.

Then something strange happened. The content of the rumor became the topic.
(And the rumor was debunked by the way).
The way Isaac dealt with this was for me the reason to speak the next morning about being upset about it. Then Isaac shove that aside as just my perception ‘and there are many perceptions’.

This triggered a deep and old hurt in me. I stayed with that the whole day and the half hour before I jumped in the chair, I had been standing against the wall, crying. By the time I sat in the chair my own processing was done. I was just, in a rather shaky state, reporting about it. So the perseverence that you can see me give up at some point, was not about me going deeper with what was triggered in me. That had already happened. What was left was indeed a presumption. The presumption that my teacher automatically would see what I saw. Still a form of dependency, strongly related to what had been triggered in me. After these month it has become clear to me, that my perseverence was aimed at getting my teacher to see what I was seeing and wanting/needing him to admit that.
As he so rightfully mentions, by now I am able to see patterns in all of us. And that includes him.
I recall that a few years ago, when I went over to him to share fully enthousiastic about suddenly (and finally) having seen something specific, he was happy for me and added: “And we only can see it when we do”.
That’s how it is and it also goes for him. By now this feels integrated and accepted.
I feel a bit ashamed that that took me three month. Aum.

Note. In the aftermath  emails were exchanged about this episode and this is blogged here.

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