Basically my whole adult life I had a strong fear for the use of halucinogenics.
I had the idea that I would go crazy and stayed away from them.
Already for about forty years I was familiar with the fact that Ayahuasca was available in Holland.
Twice I reached out to people that I knew were into using it.
It never happened. My time hadn’t come yet.
Then, just checked, now eight years ago, after a retreat I heard people talk about ayahuasca and knew right away that the time had come.
My first experience with ayahuasca, a private session was the safest way I could find to do that, was a great and joyous adventure.
After those hours I had the idea that that was it, the ayahuasca done and over with.
Yet, that’s not what happened. I had done my homework, had read a few books and knew other places where ayahuasca was used.
Especially the Santo Daime Church Amsterdam was an easily accessable possibility.
I saw myself go there a few weeks after my first experience already.
For a few years I did quite some ‘daime works’.
Although it was sometimes tough, the overall feeling was one of joy.
Yet always touching the almost hard wired taboo on joy that I inherited from my Protestant ancestors and the Judeo Christian culture in general.
Only recently I am opening up to singing along in those settings.
For years I have been refusing to sing in the Churches where the Santo Daime was celebrating their services. Having been punished in church as a boy for singing too enthousisasticly, my throat was kind of fierely locked.
Actually, my voice really opened up only last Januari after having participated in a series of lessons called Voice Yoga. Suddenly I found that I could sing without making an effort.
(Stil have to write about this, I am about a year behind in story telling).
After I discovered ayahuasca I realized that my fear for halucinogenics had been over the top.
And I felt that I was open to have the experience of other substances.
Yet after a while this interest kind of collapsed: I find ayahuasca the most beautiful stuff there is. So, no need for others.
Yet, at some point, now already 4 years ago there came the possibility along to use peyote, which I did.
That was a rather weird experience, with half way a chimney fire in the maloca.
Here is the report: https://www.hansvandergugten.nl/?p=3394
A few weeks ago another possibility came along: the use of iboga.
This happened from last Thursday night till Saturday morning, and happily the Saturday and Sunday free for chilling out.
That was really needed, the stuff makes heavy and tired.
I don’t feel like making a long detailed report.
I just type my quickly written notes, without any further ado:
Holland, August 31 ’18.
The evening after the first night with iboga.
Weird stuff too.
I do not know what my expectations were, but none of them was met.
Boredom, heavy feelings, hardly any images, thinking went on.
The boredom triggered me to go inside, to feeling in the body.
My belly had become warm from the start. That stayed that way all night. At a certain moment the contents of the belly gave the impression (within that heat, or something)
that a frozen block was floating around in it.
Pale white ice-like. Being aware of awareness. Somewhere I wondered why that freezer was not melted by the surrounding heat. Then, for a brief moment, I saw another block
above that block. It translated as: I had the impression that the frozen piece was defended by a (????) similar block that hovered above it.
Then spent hours just lying in the experience and then slept until noon. But a part of me was constantly awake.
Today I felt tired all day. Heavy, lame, tired. I have given in to it: did not go for a walk, I particularly just slept and was lying on the couch, staring.
Last night the probably closing ‘celebration’.
Addition to my notes:
I participated from a kind of solidarity that night.
With the vague hope that it would bring me something.
I took twice a light dose of iboga. A vague idea of being stoned was there for a while, then I fell into a restless sleep and slept reasonably well, with another part of me always awake.
Still, I was reasonably in order the next morning.
The feeling of a hangover had completely disappeared.
Also it felt as if I had a new layer of body awareness.
The conclusion of the whole event was a meal on Saturday afternoon around three o’clock.
Fortunately, there was the possibility to stay in the place until Sunday afternoon.
I took naps, was lying on the bench and a drawing was made. (See above).
Small observation, also with body awareness: every evening I do exercises to train my neck muscles, on the advice of the physiotherapist to prevent neck complaints.
Ten times I tighten 7 muscle groups for 10 seconds and I count those seconds in my head.
Suddenly, as a matter of course, when I did my exercises again on Saturday night, I suddenly noticed that I did not count inwardly to ten, but that I was counting my heartbeat.
I hear / feel my heartbeat as a kind of gentle undulating flow in my head and suddenly that spontaneously became the determining factor for the duration of my exercises.
That is a totally different experience: in counting a kind of haste can creep in that suddenly became tangible because those heartbeats have their own pace, nothing to do.
Special experience. I am happy with it.