Back on my feet, another addendum to my Open letter to Isaac Shapiro

This is the 4th blog in a row on this subject, see the others here, here and here.

Dearest Isaac,

Because you deleted me from the Facebook group Friends of Isaac and Meike, I will refrain from sending you this directly.
May this find you through a path that fits the saying that the Lord moves in mysterious ways.

As per my habit, first the short version of this epistle:
After sending my open letter with as its shortest version about something my opinion that I thought that not to be a good idea, I was and felt neglected and attacked ad hominem, with zero reaction to the content of what I was speaking about.
This brought me deep in the mode of doubt. Did I hallucinate all this? But no, about a month ago someone confirmed that I was not crazy, which feels as a rehabilitation. Sorry to say.

The longer version.

Already a month ago I wrote this:
Surprising things happening these days.

As my Sufi masseur said, after I told him about my meeting this morning, and that again after I told him a few days ago that I was strongly impacted by being on content totally neglected by Isaac and “sangha” and instead fully played ad hominem upon by them. (Except one reaction and one hug from the Amsterdam segment of the gang): ‘first we are tested, because that is part of the game, and then we receive support again from the angels.’

One private thought that came along the day before yesterday about my long time teacher Isaac surprised me and it just was noticed: he has drifted away from the strictly celibate lineage of Ramana Maharshi.

In a flash the reaction splashed along that over the years he has consciously and deliberately distanced himself step by step from that: from having up pictures of Poonjaji and Ramana till just having flowers on stage and calling his meetings meetings and not satsang anymore.

And then my mouse hovered over his little photo in a comment from him on Facebook and I saw that his facebook header is dominated by a photo of Ramana with Arunachala as a background.
Ramana as guardian angel? questioned my mind. It was again just noticed.

And then this happened (a month ago that is):
This morning I attended a meeting presided by Ojas
(ten years my senior, an ex monk and Bhagwan sannyasin and much more).
In my personal past he played a important role in the untangling of my Rahneesjpuram knot.

Since that happened I consider him kind of a mentor,
a source of information in problematic times.

After the meeting we had a short talk and at some point I said that I hesitated to ask something, but that I would ask anyhow.

Please do, he said. And I told him that I had confronted Isaac in a very long open letter with the fact that he sleeps with students and that I was tore down by him and the “sangha”.

Of course he said, without thinking, that is how I myself was kicked out of the church. You speak the truth and out you go.

He went on: Isaac sleeps already for years with his female students. I know more than one of them myself. I spoke to him about that some 15 years ago.

Isaac said cynical: that is what I do, the biggest problem is only to end those relations with as little pain at the other side as possible.

Of the women I know that had sex with Isaac, I remember that they themselves admitted that initially they were ‘happy to be willing’ or thought it to be ‘a great honor’, etc.
A typical culture has emerged in this way, for which Isaac is not solely responsible.

You can also read that in some stories about # Metoo.
A gray area in which some afterwards become furious and others want to keep the good atmosphere.
In that atmosphere, a number of women also defend Isaac, not only to save him but also to save themselves.

It is a complex whole and everyone – including you – naturally chooses the perspective that feels best.

It’s fine that awareness is now emerging in all.
You brought it up, but it is an uncomfortable truth that most people would rather look away from.
My perspective: everyone live in a group together and then “sharing”. That can solve a lot. Then it’s a real sangha again.
But who starts?

I felt relief, cause again I was so impressed by the 100 % non reaction on the content of what I wrote and the ad hominem attack from my long time teacher.

I am so touchy when it comes to self confidence, that when I say as in my eyes for a fact that someone is wearing sunglasses and that person says that I am mistaken, I go in the trance called doubt.

I now remember that I used in the past the example of two plus two is four. When someone would claim that it is actually five, I claimed that I would start from scratch finding out how much two plus two is.
Quite some time ago I thought that I had solved this.
And even made a strong statement about myself.
I looked it up,  in one of my six year old blogs ( I wrote: “As a result, I no longer need Meike /dad / mom / anyone to confirm that two plus two equals four.”

In hindsight it is clear: that was bluff.
Back on my feet again.

As this is the longer version, I allow myself a few more remarks.
Mid-August I wrote the following to a group of men from the Taotraining ‘Peergroup about sexuality’:

The reactions to my letter to and about my previous teacher Isaac Shapiro mainly evoked negative reactions.
No response to content from that side.
I wrote another addendum and shortly thereafter I was blocked in that facebook sangha group (Friends of Isaac and Meike).
The Addendum:

I simmer and quiver and shiver after this action.
I am in a kind of shocked state, at least that is how it feels, it deeply touches the fear of and for madness.
Sometimes I think I have fantasized or invented everything.

Duly noted.


So, as a result of my being deleted, most of the discussion with me naturally happened elsewhere. Example:
One of those men wrote me, among other things, this:
At the moment a large group of friends and acquaintances is now at the Shapiro retreat in Venwoude,
When I asked a regular participant what she thinks about Shapiro sometimes sharing the bed with students, she told me that Shapiro as far as she can see is honest and transparent about it, and that he makes mistakes makes him human; it’s not a god, that’s why I can go through him easily into the field of unconditional love.

Now I can’t help thinking that ‘going into the field of unconditional love’ is probably the same hide out that Isaac used to call ‘going into the Absolute’.

But anyhow, I wrote this man back the following:
Thank you for your response.

The people who are still with Isaac by now are okay with it and then you will naturally become a bit proud of it: a teacher who does it with students and who is also open and honest about it !! Who doesn’t want that?
In my eyes, he is not even subtly playing with his language.
So I don’t focus on what’s not there; my previous teacher cheats on language, he is, as I wrote, being creative with language.
In my opinion that is at odds with its normal precision. It hides or envelops sexual selfishness.
And I can be mistaken.

Conclusion: Long ago Isaac himself said that he thought it not to be okay to sleep with students. ‘Not in this function’, that’s the description he used.

I believed him, despite all the once in a while stories.

Now, after hearing the story that was told to me in Rishikesh, I was disappointed. That’s all.

I still have this childish naivety to believe people at their word.
And the tiring habit to verbalize the differences between fact and fiction when it finally dawns on me.




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