The last months ever deepening sessions are happening in various contexts.
During the last retreat in Venwoude there was this moment, where I shared something about myself. It was about often having reacted strongly to requests of people, in the discussed case about being silent in the silent retreat.
More specific: requests that are not coming from a personal need for silence, but that are at least partly coming from a leaning on the presupposed unanimous agreement to be silent. It’s the requests that are coming from implied being right, based on outward authority.
Isaac Shapiro noticed my being touched and asked if I could go deeper with this.
I closed my eyes. What happens he asked after a few moments.
It is taking me through the floor, was my answer.
And there it went, quasi to the past along bodily stored memories. Quite some crying happened and slowly slowly a, or the, source of this upset became clear.
Later during that meeting I shared from the chair on the stage (the DVD of this did
not show up in my pile of DVD’s, am in search for it, if it shows up will make
youtube) what had happened and what showed up: my alergic reaction to this kind of requests triggers the anger and helplessness that during my youth was developped by what I described as “By my educators the Highest, the Widest was always used to narrow you down”. While telling this the deepest sadness I know is squeezed out as sobs. There was always this authoritative enemy and it was invisible. A great insight, for which I am very gratefull. On this topic there is relaxation going on since.
There was a strong identification with Don Quichotte for long.
And here it is: God abused as being the invisible windmill.
Personal note: it has for long been my strong feeling that what Nietzsche declared dead is the abused god, the claimed knowledge about the unknowable by the priesthood.
There was another important insight that also occurred during the last retreat in Venwoude. It happened in a Somatic Experiencing session with Caitlin Catley.
I follow my notes. Might be a little cryptic. (The only way to keep it a bit short).
Another personal note, from the here and now: just decided to not insert the announced report of this session. Will do that later and make a link to it from here.
Enjoy the beautifull illustration that I already found for it. (So, will post it now).
And then there was the thumb sucking experience now already over two weeks ago.
Finally, the report:
The last Saturday of July I attended a Cura at Casa da Luz. The sacrament is Daime.
Daime or ayahuasca is a very peculiar brew. Sometimes when you take it, nothing or little happens. Most of the times a lot happens. And sometimes the Daime seems to be pure liquid light. Like this time, it was beautifull and strong. And deep and soft.
There was a strong bodily enjoying and the third eye opened up wide.
And as mostly when this happens, deep old sadnesses come up and out.
At some point I kind of spoke to myself. Something like: ‘Hey, just enjoying is not why you do this. You didn’t formulate a focus or a question’.
Then the question arose: Please show me how I can get more space in between being plugged in by the behaviour of other people and my reactions. Please create me more time to reflect. Help me to not just see a fight or flight or freeze reflex happen.
This all happened in a flash and I forgot about it.
There came a moment where I followed the urge to suckle my thumb and to hide away under my blanket. To my surprize I felt a real thumb suckling reflex come in. Never felt this before like this. And it made me carefully aware of my surrounding.
It brought up shame and the question if this was allowed.
For a few hours I have been playing with this.
* Lying under my blanket, suckling my thumb while watching other people.
*Standing and joining the two step left/right dancing.
*Sitting in the middle of the dancing circle, covered in my blanket.*Sitting there without the blanket, suckling.
*Standing in the circle, no blanket, suckling.
There were a lot of surprizing discoveries.
For instance, when I was sitting in the middle, I found myself looking at the flowers while suckling my thumb. Then the habit kicked in to close my eyes for a while to reflect on what was happening. There was nothing to reflect on! That split just was not there. And closing the eyes felt almost like ‘not done’. Pure seeing it was, without thinking and judging involved. And yet at the same time there was this pure awareness that also could contain the normal observatory thinking, as in: knowing what seemed to be going on.
Also I noticed that from this suckling state a lot of resistances to for instance this dancing or the singing about Jesus and Maria and who not, fell away.
Everything was just noticed.
From that state most of the things that used to be disturbing, suddenly and by itself got the label: that is from later. And they became in a way futile.
In the aftermath of the happening I have been gigling a lot, have been wistling along with the hinarios that people were singing. (I have a hang up with singing in religious settings and wistling is natural for me, but for instance in the meetings of the Santo Daime Amsterdam wistling feels inappropriate, which is a pity).
After the closure of the ceremony I went to both Jan and Marga to express my gratitude for all of my behaviours to have been allowed, even in God’s name.
Marga waved it away with a well meant ‘Ah, if only you yourself approve of it’.
To such a statement, although I can fully feel the good intention, I used to feel resistence. Now it was labelled immediately as ‘That is from later’ and I could say: Thank you. But, honestly, the whole idea of things not being okay comes from the outside. So, the idea of permission comes from that dynamic, it only has kicked in after the very first non-pernission.
So, again, I insist: thank you, thank you, thank you.
I found a youtube from the most recent hinario recording session where we can enjoy the atmospere of hinario singing, Marga as the most left singer, Jan in the yellow T shirt. After the youtube the picture that I took myself of the beautifull and serene space where I have been suckling around. Thumbs up.