Less than a week ago I wrote this somewhere:
“When asked the obligate ‘how are you doing’, my answer
lately is: kind of the usual, having a quarrel on the net,
having a fight with my neighbour and have just started a
way of relating that includes the exchange of tantric energies”.
In this Yahoogroup that I was referring to as having this quarrel
going on, the energy rose to such a level that it lead to this this
morning (that there is a cause/effect is just speculation):
This morning after waking up I stayed with closed eyes,
sinking into the pain and confusion related to let’s say
the last thread, the ‘me disputed’ one, and me going on,
(Was happily surprized that I could still enter here, and in
a way it didn’t matter any more and yet am totally happy
about being able to share the following with you:)
At some point, in front of my closed eyes, language was
deconstructed into particles. And by that very movement
everything about language lightened up, cleared up.
The thought came later as this: lego alphabet.
(Curious already for what pic I will find for that).
And, and, and.
This was a long awaited and in a way fought for event.
“In the beginning was the word, etc”
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Won’t happen again.
This let’s say struggle with language has been going for decades.
One of the moments that kind of started an opening up, was in
satsang with Isaac Shapiro in 2003.
The text of this is on my old website, but here it is reproduced:
|All this meaning!|
|Germany, Chiemsee, september 7, 2003.|
|>||You’re welcome to speak if you like and there is no need.|
|<||I want to look into a question that is already with me for three years or so. Three years ago I asked the same question to Gopal [nowadays called Lodewijk] and he made a complete fool out of me for asking it. So, when I realised that I was going to ask this question to you I had to say that there was a double agenda: proving that it wasn’t a stupid question. But that part is dissolved completely. And it has changed into a complete different question; it’s the same words but it’s a question not from this mental storm but almost from here [the heart]. The question then was kind of a test: when I look when my mind is completely quiet to a text in my language, then immediatly I see the meaning, so the mind is not quiet. That was my idea. And now I can see that there is an immense longing to, let’s say, a pre verbal or pre language state. And just, when I was sitting over there, I could see that is is a wanting away from all this meaning. And yesterday you said to someone ‘just take all the objects away, then you get awareness’. But how does awareness know that it exists? I think, then, there is no knowing if existence.And in a way I found out that with this question, where I am longing for is at the same time dangerous. It’s connected really with the fear of dying. And really practical; after the last retreat in Venwoude, when I was in this hyper energetic state we made this excursion to this Babaji ashram and I didn’t dare drive my car because I had flashes of only seeing colours, so I had the fear when I would drive my car I could drive into a wall because of the attractiveness of its colour. So I am longing for something that is dangerous. So, here is a confusion. I want to look into this. It is as if the basic mind without nonsense has something like I won’t leave you before I know it’s safe. And maybe this is an enlightened mind fuck. I have no clou.|
|Follows a silence of more than six minutes.|
|>||Nothing comes to my mind to say. And I enjoy hanging out with you very much.|
|<||Maybe I’ll come up with another question next time. But now it’s totally empty.|
So far, so good.
This feels as a very important step for mankind, especially for me.